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| Bavarian Wedding |
| Stan Wayman |
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Yesterday, I posted a bit about having a great marriage. I hardly feel like an "expert" in that area, except maybe in that we were able to go from having a bad foundation and a rocky start to things being really awesome as we near our 18 year anniversary. Truly, the best marriage counselor of all is the Lord, and He tells us that if any of us need wisdom for anything, we are to ask and He will provide (James 1:5). This verse is my favorite parenting verse, as well as my favorite marriage verse. In fact, it is one of my favorite all purpose practical verses in the Bible.
I have been having an email exchange with a reader on the topic of having a great marriage and also on balancing motherhood and marriage. The question that started it all was essentially this:
When I am focusing on my husband, I feel like I am ignoring my children. When I am focusing on my children, I feel like I am ignoring my husband. When I focus on me, I feel like I am ignoring everyone. Is there a secret to finding balance or am I just missing something?
Have you been there and done that too?
When we were surprised with the news that we were expecting our firstborn, just a few months after we got married, I wanted to be the best mom I could be, and I wanted to not let my marriage slide either. I had been reading lots of books about having a godly marriage, and so I knew what to do, but applying that knowledge wasn't as easy as I hoped it would be. :-) God did say that it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Our men need us, though sometimes the needs of our children may seem more obvious than the needs of our husbands. Maybe we find it easier to dismiss our husband's needs becuse he's an adult, and the children are young. Certainly, children do need their moms (and dads), and so we need to find a balance here.
If you didn't read some of my foundational "tips" yesterday, you may want to read that first, as I feel that is essential to us having a great marriage, and really sort of sets the stage for the rest of this...This is probably not a complete list, just some "off of the top of my head" thoughts about what has helped in this home here. If you have other tips to share, just leave a comment! I'd love to hear them, and I'm sure others will be blessed too.
Top Tips for Balancing Me, Motherhood, and Marriage
1. Live each day deliberately, with a plan. If you spend all day long simply reacting to the demands made on you, important things inevitably fall through the cracks. Most of what follows here are some plan to do's...things you can try to implement in your day that will help you strike a balance. If we make it a point to spend some time each day on our marriage, and on our parenting, and also recharging our batteries, then we may find we have more energy and time to get us through the days.
2. Plan to Greet Your Husband at the Door. I say Plan to...because sometimes with young children, life does happen. However, decide to implement something that will help him feel like he was missed today (rather than making him feel like he is interrupting your day when he gets home). Some guys don't want to feel like they are being smothered when they walk in, but at least a hug and a kiss at the end of the work day will be a great way to welcome him home.
As a new wife, an older woman once gave me the advice to stop what I was doing an hour before my husband got home from work and look in the mirror. Fix myself up in whatever way he likes, and look nice for him when he gets home. I intended to do this but with five children ages 5 and under at one point, it feel by the wayside. I started to fix myself up a bit several years ago, and after a week, my husband commented, "I like this...it reminds me of when we were first married." I didn't realize he noticed because he didn't say anything when I had let it slip. The thing is, I also felt better by making myself look nice.
Now, I'm not a girly-girl, as you probably gotten from other posts, but I notice that when I am doing a little something to look nicer, I feel like it helps my mind to switch gears for my husband, from focusing exclusively on the kids all day to focusing on my marriage. For most of us ladies, I think half the battle in a marriage is in our heads, and that time we spend brushing the hair, maybe fixing our faces if we wear makeup, and changing out of the sweatshirt with baby barf on it helps us be more wifely when our guy gets home.
I also find it helps to get ready by planning to show my children extra attention in the hours just before daddy comes home, so that they are less needy at that time. This is less and less true as they get older, but it was a necessity when they were young. This may mean, for example, starting dinner earlier so that you can sit down and read a book with them and get the household calmer right before your hubby comes home. This seems to really make a huge different in a guy's stress levels at the end of the day. Do you like walking into the door only to be met with chaos? Me neither. There's a good chance your hubby also doesn't like walking into chaos every day either.
3. Your baby/toddler doesn't need to be held 24/7
Several years ago, my hubby had a relative that we visited out of state for a wedding, and she was bemoaning that their 10 year marriage had lost it's spark since the baby was born 9 months ago. Of course the baby never left her hip, slept in their bed all the time, could only fall asleep on her shoulder, cried if you moved it ever so slightly, and the baby was the center of attention. The spark as gone out, you say? Hmmmm I can't imagine why you have lost that lovin' feeling.
I don't favor strict schedules for babies as some do, but I also don't advocate some of the more radical attachment practices either (I've done both, actually). There's gotta be some balance here. A newborn needs more attention, and will need to be slowly eased into a routine that works with the rest of the family. However, barring some sort of chronic illness, the baby has to adapt to the family, not the entire family adapting their lives around the baby's whims as he or she grows. This could probably be a whole post in an of itself, couldn't it?
4. Me Time is only bad when you spend most of your day on it
I have heard many who are against some mom time, and I've also known others who are always running around to mom activities. When my children were little, I gradually got away from mom time and mom actvities, such that I was home 24/7 with the kids, refusing all breaks and looking down my nose at anyone who embraced mother's morning out-type activities.
After baby number five was born, and I was struggling with post partum depression, I actually talked to my doctor about it. She's a wise woman, I tell you. Instead of doing what most doctors do (writing a prescription) she said to me, "I want you to try something first. I want you to go to get out of the house at least 2x a week, just you." Of course I balked at that. I went home and told my husband who shocked me by saying that he thought it was a great idea, and that he wanted to suggested it but I had been on a rabid "mom time is selfish" sort of kick. He reminded me that I had a lifetime membership to Fitness USA and he suggested I go a few nights a week.
I found that some time away wasn't a bad thing. I can always tell when my "me time" is out of hand because I am tired, grumpy, the kids are wired, and the house is a wreck. This goes for both too little and too much.
Now, most of the time, I spend time each evening in a nice big hot bubble bath in my cast iron clawfoot tub, up to my chin in bubbles, writing out ideas for blog posts on a clipboard on a table my dh made to fit over the tub (wishing for a waterproof laptop. wouldn't that be cool?).
5. Take an interest, as a family, in some of his interests
Remember when you were dating/courting your husband? Remember when you would watch him for hours fix his car, or play baseball, or play video games, or whatever? You didn't care. You just wanted to be with him. After you got married, and the kids started coming, what happened? His hobbies became a source of contention, and not time to be spent together. I'm not saying we have to spend 24/7 together, but I am saying to be open to spending time with him doing not just what you want to do but what he likes to do too.
I loathe sports. There, I said it. However, tomorrow, the kids and I will likely spend at least some time on the couch with daddy, and I'll cuddle up with him, with a big bowl of popcorn between us while we watch some important sports thing Now, he'd never in a million years ask me to sit and watch football or baseball or anything else. He'd not do that, because he knows that I don't like it, but he does like it when I sit and watch with him.
When my hubby started to play on the church's softball league, within a few weeks I had some of the ladies ask me where I was at on Monday nights. Most of the women go to the practices, sit, and watch their hubbies play, with the kids running around and playing too. I started to come to practice and to most of the games, bringing my cooler and blanket like everyone else, and cheering my husband on. I didn't realize how much that meant to him. But, it also meant a lot to the kids. The kids loved seeing daddy play ball, and they loved to see mom cheering him on.
6. Last but definately not least, pray
Pray. Pray, pray pray. Pray. Did I say "Pray"?
Being a wife and mother is a juggling act, one that they don't exactly prepare us for in our younger years. I think that many of the women reading this may even have been raised in broken homes, and so we come into marriage without an example to follow in this area. God is able to give us wisdom and discernment as we seek Him in our marriages. He is the only one able to really change someone's heart (whether it's our heart or hubby's), or to know what is going on inside of someone. Only He knows what someone's true needs are. For this reason, having a great relationship with the Lord is essential to being able to pull of that balance between me, motherhood, and marriage.
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| La Noche de Los Pobres |
| Diego Rivera |
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This is something I originally wrote back in 1998, and was published in Above Rubies Magazine. It's an adaptation from 1 Corinthians 13, but for mothers. I wrote it for Mother's Day, right after my fourth child, Esther, was born. Feel free to pass it around with the copyright information and link intact. :-)
A Mother's Love
A Paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13
If I speak truths from God's Word and train my children in the Lord, but have not God's love flowing from me to them, the words I teach are as noisy as a barking dog, a broken muffler, or a colicky baby at 2 a.m.
And if I have all manner of wisdom and knowledge in the latest child-rearing techniques, if I have an understanding of child psychology, and if I have subscriptions to every parenting magazine on the market but don't have God's love flowing from me, I am nothing.
If I have all the faith I could ever need, so that I could move mountains, keep the house clean, or potty-train a two year old, but do not do it in love, I am nothing.
Even if I leave behind my own dreams and ambitions to raise my children, and even if I stay up for nights on end with sick children, sleepless babies, and mountains of laundry, but complain and murmur about lack of sleep, God's love is not in me, and I am accomplishing nothing.
A loving mother is patient enough to wait for a child who insists on tying her own shoes and buttoning her own coat.
A loving mother is kind to her children even on three hours of sleep and is never rude to them. A loving mother is not jealous or envious of everyone else's children nor will she boastfully exalt her own children above others.
A loving mother models true Christian behavior even when no other adults are watching. A mother full of God's love doesn't seek her own rights, but demonstrates the servant hood of Christ as she serves her family.
Such a mother doesn't resent cutting corners to live on one income, but is grateful to raise her own children.
A loving mother forgets her children's sins as soon as the discipline is over, and never reminds them of their imperfections but encourages her children in good works. A loving mother doesn't look at her children's rebelliousness as a cute phase but rejoices in seeing her offspring grow in godliness.
Only a mother with God's love can bear the day to day tasks of managing a family with zest and joy. She is able to see the potential hidden deep within each of her children and prays that God will shine through them into a dark world. With such a vision clear in her mind, a mother can endure anything.
A loving mother's influence will never fade away. Oh, the children may forget a spotlessly clean house, or perfectly pressed clothes, or even freshly baked cookies, but her children will always carry with them the legacy of God's perfect love.
Though all you may see now are stacks of dirty dishes, diapers to change, noses to wipe, and wild toddlers to tame, the spirit in which you tackle these tasks is laying the foundation for your children that has eternal consequences.
There are three things your children will always remember about you:
- Your faith and zeal in how you serve the Lord.
- Your hope in the promises of God's word and how you waited and watched for His return.
- And the Love of God that flowed through you to others.
It is these three that will remain in their minds forever, and the greatest of these is their mother's love.
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The first book I wrote was Momma's Guide to Quiet Times in Loud Households. I only have a couple dozen more printed copies of this book left, and we're as of yet uncertain about having it reprinted (though you can still find it as an ebook). Quiet Times in Loud Households is near and dear to my heart because it is about a topic we moms often neglect: our personal, daily, walk with the Lord. We may know that we need to have time with the Lord, but actually making that happen while running a busy household with children is quite another thing. I wrote this book based on my own experiences trying to find a balance between my inner Mary and Martha.
True, genuine Christian growth comes from a heart that is seeking after God, and reading in His Word regularly. This is what changed me into the woman I am today.
Penny Raine from Momma's Heart reviewed it when it first came out, and had this to say about Momma's Guide to Quiet Times in Loud Households, "Mothers need time with Jesus. They cannot do it with out Him. Yet all too often in the midst of mothering they can't find time to spend with Him. The answer is here in "Quiet Times In Loud Households." This book written by Kimberly Eddy has the power to change lives. Not just the lives of stay at home mothers, but anyone who struggles with finding personal time with Jesus. Everyone from the President of the United States to children of reading age and up can benefit from this book. It teaches us to commune with God in every phase of our lives."
Everything in my bookstore is 50% off until August 7th, including this book. You can purchase your print copy of Quiet Times in Loud Households WHILE SUPPLIES LAST for just $6.50 here.
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There are two things we must discuss at the very start of this article:
1. No, I'm not pregnant.
2. Nothing in this post is to be construed as medical advice. Seek the advice of a competent medical professional and exercise your own good judgement.
3. It was very hard to come up with an appropriate photograph for this particular post, but the one below reflects my memory of the experience.
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| Tuxedo Cat Drinking from Toilet |
| Alan And Sandy Carey |
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A couple of different friends have had some morning sickness during their most recent pregnancies, and so I've written a post with some information on how to cope with morning sickness.
I found out about the impending arrival of our last child at the emergency room. The flu had run it's course through our family, but I hadn't recovered. I couldn't stop being ill. The slightest motion made me feel awful. I literally felt like I was living life on a merry-go-round or on an amusement park ride for most of my pregnancy (It's no wonder I eventually fell down the stairs, breaking my leg and collar bone 6 months into my pregnancy). I was sure it was only the flu, because I still had a new baby, only a couple of months old. The doctor came in and told me that my particular strain of the flu would resolve itself in 9 months. He did give me some artificial hydration and some medicine to help with the very extreme nausea, but it really only took the edge off for the next few months, and helped me with the nutrition and dehydration (which is very important).
With all of my pregnancies, I've had some kind of morning sickness, and it's no fun. Here's a few things that I found which helped me:
1. Sea Bands.
Okay, so they look a little dorky. They really do help though, especially with that merry-go-round feeling. They are awesome on airplanes or boats or anywhere you may get motion sickness.
2. Ginger Tea
This is my favorite brand:
Not everyone likes the taste, but ginger is naturally very good at helping with nausea. I personally love it, and always have ginger tea in my kitchen somewhere just in case I am not feeling so good. It tastes better with a generous amount of honey. When I had morning sickness or when I have the flu, I just make a big pot of it, and sip it all day long.
3. Lavender Tea
This may sound a little strange, but lavender blossoms make really awesome tea. I use what I have in my back yard, because it's not sprayed, and I know where it came from. Some people find that it affects their allergies negatively so if you have issues with that, it may not be helpful for you.
4. Cold Wet Washcloth on the back of the neck
One of the nurses that were there when I had my kids told me that she always found a cold wet washcloth on the back of the neck helped her out with nausea. I have found that it works pretty well for morning sickness, but it gives me the chills when I have the flu.
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mothering
