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Written by Kimberly Eddy
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Thursday, 05 August 2010 00:00 |
After my post about my wedding day that I shared a while ago, I got an email asking me what I thought was the key to still being happily married for 18 years. I think that is a good question.
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| Good Housekeeping, June 1902 |
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If I were honest, and I'm going to be with my dear husband's permission, I'd have to say we were not always completely happy and lovey-dovey to each other for all of those 18 years of marriage. We didn't have a good foundation, and we weren't really taught much about how to have a good marriage...we basically muddled through and made some mistakes along the way. Praise God, He has enabled us to fix some poor foundations that we had, and enable us to be even more in love as we inch closer to our 19th anniversary. Being in a great church now which purposefully teaches on family issues and how to have a great marriage also helps.
But, more specifically, based on my own private study of the Word, and personal experience, here are my top 5 foundational tips for ladies for having a great marriage...tomorrow, Lord willing, I will post how to balance marriage and motherhood, but I felt we needed this foundational post first.
1. The foundation is in right priorities...God-->Husband-->Children-->everything else.
The Bible, throughout, seems to lay out these priorities for us. We always put God ahead of everything and everyone else, and when we have the right "vertical" relationship, we will have proper horizontal relationships by reason of the time we are spending in His presences, being made into His image....I don't think that putting God first means running around, perpetually busy with activities (I go into more detail in my book, Quiet Times in Loud Households on this point...a whole chapter jus on priorities actually, and a whole book on having a devotional life with the Lord!)...I believe it means, practically speaking, letting His principles in His word govern our lives, and spending time with Him, living a devotional life. Husband comes next, because the Lord said it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18), and it still isn't. Our husbands do need us, even if they don't seem as "helpless" as the children do...and finally we also have a responsibility to raise up our children for Christ. Keeping this in mind will help us.
2. This balance starts in your head, with your thoughts
Come on, now. Most of us, if we were honest (and I'm going to try to be here), have a running internal monologue that seems to set the tone for our day. We talk to ourselves, and maybe even preach to ourselves all day long. This is not bad in and of itself...what we think about can be good or bad, however.
If, when our husband screws up (again ~sigh~), and we mentally run down our checklist of all of his screw ups over our marriage before adding the latest to the list, or we dwell on what he is doing wrong, we will be in a foul mood throughout our days, and our marriage will soon be in trouble. How many of us instead run down the list of all the reasons why we fell in love in the first place? No, we usually choose the lie of the devil, "You know I don't think I ever really did love him..."Running down the list of all that he doesn't do is not going to help you be the kind of wife that encourages him, uplifts him, RESPECTS him, and completes him the way God intended (the same is true, on the other side, for guys, but I'm writing to women).
Footnote: if it is something serious, and needs to be dealt with, there are ways to deal with it (as per Matthew 18:15-17, among other verses...or in a crisis situation involving any sort of abuse you need to seek help immediately)...but playing the recording of the incident over and over again, whether it is a "big" thing or a "little" thing is not good either way...and that would be another post for another time.
3. Having a right balance moves from your head to your heart with right attitudes
If we do the martyr thing (~woe is me, my life is drudgery, he doesn't meet my needs, no body knows the trouble I've seen...~), we are not going to have a right attitude. I don't know if there is anyone who has a right attitude all the time (I doubt it), but when we feel that wrong attitude coming up, we go back, check our thoughts, and check that attitude, and begin to meditate on things that are pure, and lovely, and of good report, etc. (Philippians 4:8), instead of meditating on all of the offenses committed against us.
What you feed your heart and mind with also will have an effect...garbage in and garbage out as they say. Reading romance novels (even "Christian" ones), watching TV or movies where either unrealistically romantic perfect men are featured or where guys are bashed, or even listening to talk radio or reading the news where you start to think that the other side is about to get you (the balance between staying informed vs. becoming so freaked out by the news you don't enjoy life is another post too)...none of these things a happy wife do make. Listen to uplifting music or preaching, and think happy thoughts.
4. Then it moves from your heart on out of your mouth with your words
Life and death really are in the power of the tongue. You know that schoolyard chant? Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words with never hurt me? Not true. Words sometimes hurt far more, and for a lot longer, than a broken bone.
The Bible commands husbands to love their wives, and for wives to respect their husbands. I went to a marriage retreat with dear husband a few years ago, and this was the theme...In short, a wife can fairly easily dish out love because we are wired for that. Respect, not so easily. Guys (mostly) need and thrive on respect from their wives, and one way they get it is through our words to them and about them.
What you think about eventually does come out of your heart and head, and onto your tongue. Ever find yourself saying, "I didn't mean to say that" or "I don't know where that came from?" Hmmm. If we were being honest, what we should say is that we didn't mean to say it out loud. Aside from slips of the tongue, most of the time what we say, however unintentionally, was in our brain or heart, like a pitcher in the bull pen waiting to be called into the game. It may not even be what you say but how you say it...sweetly or grouchily telling your darling when dinner will be done, for example.
Years ago, I was talking to Nancy Campbell of Above Rubies, and asked her for advice, when I don't feel like I am in love with my husband. Her answer is priceless. "Prophesy that you love him until your heart believes your mouth." Sisters, it does work. Deliberately plan to say something positive or encouraging,to him. Tell yourself, "I am so in love."
5. What is in your heart and your mind eventually is seen in your life too.
When you have not allowed yourself to dwell on negative things, when you have washed your mind of your list of "his faults" instead of adding new things on each day, and when you have deliberately spoken words of love to your husband (and children), all of this does affect how you respond to both husband and children in your every day. It really does work itself out into your life.
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Written by Kimberly Eddy
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Friday, 18 June 2010 00:00 |
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One of my favorite blogs to read, Ann Voskamp's "A Holy Experience", has a wonderful post today called "5 Secrets to Make a Marriage Last", which is so well written and uplifting I just had to share. you can read it here.
An Excerpt to whet your appetite:
"I married the wrong man.
"For the first year after the vows, I am certain of this.
"He goes to bed every night before eight and I sit up in the dark twisting my gold band and he likes his oatmeal boiled in milk, drapes his Levis over a chair chair in the bedroom and his idea of fun is beading up threads of sweat and mine is typeset on yellowed pages, and I don't know who to talk to about all the ideas multiplying in my head and he is so quiet and we argue awkward, sit in this thick silence and I hurt and I don't know if he loves me or loves me not.
"All that is enduring and great happens slow, the inconspicuous revolution, and marriage is a long maturing."
Read the rest of the article here.
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Written by Kimberly Eddy
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Wednesday, 16 June 2010 12:15 |
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| Happy Father's Day, Little Boy with B... |
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Father's Day is this Sunday, in case you didn't know :-). I always have a hard time figuring out what to do for my dear hubby on Father's day. We usually make him a special meal or take him out somewhere (we won't be doing that this year, as the van needs a transmission).
I'd love to hear what YOU do, big or small, for your dear husband for father's day, or what the kids do for him. Looking forward to your comments!
One random commenter on this post will receive $5 off their next purchase from my bookstore as a special prize. Winner will be announced on Saturday, June 19th.
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Written by Kimberly Eddy
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Tuesday, 30 March 2010 00:00 |
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After my post about my wedding day, I got an email asking me what I thought was the key to still being happily married for 18 years. I think that is a good question. If I were honest, and I'm going to be with my dear husband's permission, I'd have to say we were not always completely happy and lovey-dovey to each other for all of those 18 years of marriage. We didn't have a good foundation, and we weren't really taught much about how to have a good marriage...we basically muddled through and made some mistakes along the way. Praise God, He has enabled us to fix some poor foundations that we had, and enable us to be in love as we just passed our 18th anniversary. Being in a great church now which purposefully teaches on family issues and how to have a great marriage also helps.
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Last Updated on Sunday, 28 March 2010 21:58 |
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Written by Kimberly Eddy
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Sunday, 28 March 2010 00:00 |
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Today, as you read this (I'm actually writing a few days before), I'll be
celebrating my 18th wedding anniversary.
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Continue Reading
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marriage moments
